The Self Help Secret To Conflict Resolution And Conflict Management

I learned the self help secret to conflict resolution and management many years ago when I was selling commercial explosives to the mining industry. I called on the manager of a rock quarry, who’s name was Tom. At that time, Tom was buying explosives from his son, who happened to be my biggest competitor. This may have had a little something to do with how our meeting began…

Right away, Tom pointed at me and said, “There are a lot of idiots like you around these days!” I immediately reacted, saying, “Well, I don’t appreciate the way you are talking to me.”

Upon hearing that, his face turned red; he raised his voice and he growled, “I’ll talk to you any way I want! It’s my office so if you don’t like it, leave!” I said in a cutting tone, “OK, fine” and stood up and stormed toward the door.

Five minutes later (not 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years), per Tom’s invitation, I climbed into his truck so he could give me a tour of his operation and provide me with information I needed to put a proposal together for doing business.

What did I do to make that possible? Obviously, during that 5-minute window between storming out of his office and climbing into his truck…something happened. Something BIG happened. Something profound happened, relating to conflict management and conflict resolution, which turned the tide and got the relationship back on track.

Keep reading! I’ll share what happened in a second…

Before I do that, I want to quickly point out that my “storming out the door” provides a great example of how quickly we can sabotage our progress toward desired outcomes. I called on Tom to develop a business relationship; that’s what I wanted. However, within seconds, my knee-jerk reaction had me storming out of his office with the intention of never returning again! I was recklessly sabotaging the very thing I wanted.

Do people ever say or do things that cause a knee-jerk reaction in you? Do your knee-jerk reactions ever instantly damage your relationships? Do your reactions ever lead to interpersonal conflict? Do your reactions ever leave you with a sense of regret because of how they derail your progress and leave you feeling lousy?

If so, here’s something you can do for conflict resolution, so you can repair relationships and get back on track creating what you want.

What happened in the ten minutes after I stormed out of Tom’s office? Three things happened, all of which you can apply to conflict management and conflict resolution in any relationship:

1. My sabotaging reaction to conflict was noticed
2. My sabotaging reaction to conflict was stopped
3. I shifted focus off of myself and feeling offended, and put my full attention on Tom - to help him get more of what he wanted.

When my harmful reaction to conflict was noticed, I stopped, turned to Glen, and said, “I’m sorry about the way this is going. I have no idea why you think I’m an idiot. All I wanted to do was meet with you, take time to learn about your operation, and see if we could help you reduce your cost per ton.”

Tom’s demeanor changed instantly. His job as Production Manager was to reduce the cost/ton at his operation. In fact, he received large bonuses when he accomplished that goal. If he kicked me out of his office, he might be letting a valuable opportunity slip away!

As a result, Tom invited me to take a tour of his operation. That began our new relationship. Eight months later, Tom gave me a nice piece of his business because he did, in fact, reduce his cost/ton. I got more of what I wanted by helping Tom get more of what he wanted.

You can apply this approach when you’re dealing with conflict in any relationship. With whom do you have conflict? What do they want, desire, value, and cherish? Once you know, simply help them get more of that stuff. They’ll love you for it; and, they’ll be more cooperative, pleasant, understanding, and helpful.

You’ll always get more of what you want when you help others get more of what they want. That’s the secret to conflict resolution and conflict management.

Copyright 2007

This article content is from Bill Dyer’s Award-Winning Book, How To Bounce Back And Be Happy When Life Blows You Down. The award-winning book is available at: http://www.bouncebackandbehappy.com

FREE info on “257 Ways To Appreciate This Moment And Create A Life You Love”, is also available at the above website.

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